Bob Rivers

Look, Toto! There it is! The mall!
Gee, it's a lot bigger than the stores back home. I bet they waste a lot of electricity with all those decorations. I sure hope Santa's there.
Who are you?!
I'm Dorothy, and I'm trying to find Santa's workshop.
The mall is closed! Now, go away!
But we've come so far on the Yellow Snow Road.
My shoes got wrecked and I brought Auntie Em's gold card with me. It's got a $10, 000 Limit.
Now, now, calm down little girl. You got a gold Card? Why didn't ya' say so? That's a card of a Different color. Come on in.
(loud, booming voice):
Ho ho ho! I am the overweight and wonderful Claus. Who dares disturb my long winter's Nap?
I-if you please, sir, Mr. Claus, I-I'm Dorothy And I want...
Silence! The great Claus knows why you are Here. Look, it's been a long day. My lap is tired And I'm out of film. Besides, I have to feed my Reindeer.
Hey, who's that?
Pay no attention to that skinny guy behind the Escalator. The one with the pillow tied behind His waist. I am the overweight and wonderful (voice becomes a lot less deep) Claus. Oh, man, Am I starvin'. Ah, ya got a sandwich on ya?
Why, you're not Santa Claus at all.
Well, I'm afraid I am. You see, Mrs. Claus put Me on the Slim Fast diet. Ah, I'm supposed to Have a belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly. Now all I have is shakes. One for breakfast, one For lunch and a sensible cookie and skim milk For dinner. I hate it.
How come you're not making toys up at the North Pole? It's almost Christmas.
Oh, I'm out of the manufacturing business, Dorothy. I'm just a middleman now.
But don't you still deliver the toys?
Oh, yeah. Guaranteed overnight delivery. Absolutely, positively by 2 A.M.
Well, where do you get the presents? (sound of Doorbell ringing)
Oh, uh, hang on a second Dorothy.
Delivery for Mr. Kringle. Ah, thank you, prease. Oh, zank you very much.
Oh no, just put them over there by the, uh, VCRs, okay? Thanks a lot, guys.
Gee, what happened to Santa's workshop?
(music of "If I Only Had a Brain" from The Wizard of Oz begins playing)
Ya know, lookin' back, I should have seen it Coming. Boy, I was the king of the North Pole. Afraid of nobody. I could build anyting.
But then the kids got into Go-Bots
Nintendo games and robots
It wasn't quite the same
I could make one thousand scooters
But I never learned computers
So the shop went down the drain
We were busy building wagons
Till orders started draggin'
It really was a shame
The Japanese were on a mission
We were blind to competition
We was busy makin' trains
We thought we made it all
From Barbie dolls to rubber balls
But Betsy Wetsy took a fall
They marked her down
She's at the mall!
All the games are complicated
That joystick's overrated
It really rots your brain
All the kids would be in heaven
Female Elves:
Instead of hangin' at 7-Eleven
If they only had a train
I guess Santa's workshop is gone forever.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dorothy. I wish there was Somethin' I could do to help. But I gotta get Busy. It's almost Christmas, and I gotta put Batteries in all these Game Boys.
Rook. Here comes somebody who can help.
Oh, how does she do that?
Oh, very easy. Horographic projections. Ratest Technology.
Oh, can you help?
Female Fairy:
Santa never needed any help. He had the power To work out of the North Pole all along.
I do? I mean, I did? I do?
So what should we do? Click our heels Together?
Female Fairy:
Oh, no. That only works in the movies. All he Has to do is just these up.
Why, it's a fax machine.
And a cellular phone with voice messaging. And, look, a pager! I'm back in business. Ho, Ho, ho!
Can it be true? Will the elves be making toys Again?
They will if they move to Mexico. I can save a Bundle if I do my manufacturin' south of the Border. And with these gizmos, I can keep track Of who's naughty and who's nice from Anywhere!
Jiminy Christmas! Oh no!


Bob Rivers is probably the best-known rock and roll radio DJ in the greater Seattle area of the northwestern United States, as well as a prolific producer of parody songs that often are mistakenly attributed to "Weird Al" Yankovic

Bob Rivers is a well known American rock and roll radio on air personality in the Pacific Northwest as well as a prolific producer of parody songs, most famous for his Christmas song parodies.

Rivers' radio program, The Bob Rivers Show, is broadcast on Seattle rock station KZOK-FM. ... Read More