Dane Cook

I had that game Operation, remember that game Operation?
Big naked white guy. He had no pee pee at all.
He had no.. Bigok, no scrumdidly-umptious.. no cash and prizes.
He was like that guy from Silence of the Lambs, remember,
he tucked it in... "Put the lotion in the basket... Put the LOATION
in the BASKET!!"
*guy laughs*
"You're laughing 'cause you've done it you freak!
you're a freak, you're a freak!"... I used to do it...
I used to come out of my girlfriends bathroom naked,
"Look, I'm just like you."
I was always afraid that one time she would be like...
*WAhhhh* I'm just like you!" AGH "I'm just like you!
Monopoly, theres another little game. We had Monopoly, everybody had it.
No one like it, even if you thinked you liked the game you didn't.
And it's simple why, ok.
Cause this is anyone here 2 and a half hours into a game of Monopoly,
*Booush* "FUCK THIS GAME! It's 4 in the morning grandma, YOU WIN!
I'm sittin on Baltic with crap! I'm paying luxury tax up the ass!
And I hate when you're the banker,
where did you get the pink 50's you cheating whore!
Don't fucking touch me grandpa, NANA is a cheating whore!
I should cut you head off with this little doggy!"...
"We were so poor growing up, we had to use that iron.
We had to actually use that little iron. It's not funny.
It takes a long time to iron a shirt with that little iron...
" *sizzle*... oh *sizzle* shit hot"...


Dane Jeffrey Cook (born March 18, 1972 in Cambridge, Massachusetts) is an American stand-up comedian and screen actor. Cook grew up in Arlington, Massachusetts and attended Arlington High School. He was raised Roman Catholic.

His comic material is mostly observational humor. His recent routines include such diverse topics as car accident mayhem, Cook's time spent working at Burger King and assorted geek humor. Cook often refers to specific places or things using his own slang terms. ... Read More