Dane Cook

uh..OOh . You're gonna have a little baby?
Oh you're pretty far a long there. What ah how long?
You wanna have him right now? Can we force it or something?
You think he can hear me right now?
You know like some people put music on there you.
I mean like do you put the headphones on there? You do that really?
Do you guys still fuck? Does he ever grab your cock inside and go
EHH I'm in here! ..I can't here you BK Broiler!
Can I say hello to him Can I get right up there and and talk?
Hi hello. You know he's in there like
*baby noises*
Wanna hear something, really this is a fact about me that you don't know.
When I was in the womb, I used to jerk off.
I- that's how young I started jerking off,in the womb.
There's x-rays or whatever.
Cat scans or sketches of me and I'm like this NOO NOO Yeah,
I didn't even know if I was a boy or a girl.
So sometimes I would pretend I was a DJ *scratch noises*
NO...No I can't talk yet.*scratch noises* Maybe this..maybe this..
maybe I do this! Maybe this. I have not decided.
What is this cord keep getting in my way?
Why am I talking like a baby Mexican?
Why did I just give myself that weird accent?


Dane Jeffrey Cook (born March 18, 1972 in Cambridge, Massachusetts) is an American stand-up comedian and screen actor. Cook grew up in Arlington, Massachusetts and attended Arlington High School. He was raised Roman Catholic.

His comic material is mostly observational humor. His recent routines include such diverse topics as car accident mayhem, Cook's time spent working at Burger King and assorted geek humor. Cook often refers to specific places or things using his own slang terms. ... Read More