WOULD YOU RATHER...
the new... you laugh. Like who gets killed by bees?!
Anytime they come on the news like, "A man in Austin was killed by bees."
I just fucking laugh. How do you get killed by bees?!
If you're walking through the woods, right, and you come near a bush
and you hear *BZZZZZZZZZZZ* just, you know,
Run away from that bush. Whos going near that bush going,
"HEY IS THAT BEES?" hold on one second, "OH JEEZE! AHHH!"
Dude Fuck that! I would punch every bee in the face!
Bees aren't taking me out, I'd be like, "Fuck you bee!"
"Yeah fuck you bee! alright bee come on! Yeah!"
"Where's the next bee at?!" It's a fucking bee!
I could undestand if it was like killer horses, Thats scary shit!
Flying through the air kicking you in the face
THATS SCARY! FUCK BEES! ......FUCK BEES!
Know one wants to drown. drowning would be the worst, cause everyone
knows that feeling. That feeling that you get, Oh its the worst.
When you think you're drowning. like during the summer,
You're like at a pool party or something.
"I'm gonna go into the deep end. Watch my dive. Watch my dive.
"Right, then you dive in.
And the second you get to the bottom your like,
"GET ME OUTTA HEEEERE!! WHERES THE SURFACE?!!"
And you always some up under the kid on the raft.
"Jesus Christ Timmy! Do not float above me when
I'm Dying in the Abyss! Your son almost killed me with his,
Uhhhh, Daffy Duck raft over here John. Your son tried to murder me
in your pool. Float away for me. Float away."
Fire. Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire?
Its gotta be soo hot. That is way to fucking hot.
Its the worst feeling when you burn yourself too.
You know, sometimes you're making sure soup or some oodlesof noodles
or something; Or you're cooking up some crack. And you know,
You touch the side of the pot. Just that little
"WOAH!!" That, Fucking kills!! That little thing, you can't take a shower
for like three weeks. You gotta like hold your hand out cause the steam
makes you angry. You try to bring your hand in,
"OOOOOO! I HATE STEAM! WHOEVER INVENTED STEAM SUCKS!"
You know what would be the worst?? This would be the ultimate worst
right here. What if you dove into the pool, and while you were
at the bottom of the pool freaking out, somebody poured oil on the
surface and lit it on fire! Yeah then you're like,
You gotta just keep swimming around, feeling for a spotwhere theres
no fucking fire. Then, What if you found a circle where there was no fire,
but the second you came up a big dude just punched you in the face
"Get back in the fiery water!
You don't come out of the fiery water, cover up that hole with some fire now!
Get back in the fiery water!"
Dane Jeffrey Cook (born March 18, 1972 in Cambridge, Massachusetts) is an American stand-up comedian and screen actor. Cook grew up in Arlington, Massachusetts and attended Arlington High School. He was raised Roman Catholic.
His comic material is mostly observational humor. His recent routines include such diverse topics as car accident mayhem, Cook's time spent working at Burger King and assorted geek humor. Cook often refers to specific places or things using his own slang terms. ... Read More