Stephen Lynch

This is for my little girl.

My lady gives birth today.
I run to her room right away.
She smiles with glee and hands her to me.
I look at my newborn and say:

Damn, that's a ugly baby!
Damn, that's a ugly-ass baby!
I'm feeling quite concerned,
My semen must have turned,
'Cause, damn, that's a ugly baby.

I can't believe this came from me.
I think her mom did too much LSD.
She's skinny like a twig.
At least her nuts are big...
But the placenta is cuter than she.

Damn, that's a ugly baby!
God damn, that's an ugly-ass baby!
I can't take her home today,
She'll scare the dog away,
'Cause, damn, that's a ugly baby.

And when she smiles, I find,
Shane McGowen comes to mind.
It makes me want to cry
When I look into her good eye.
I always wanted kids;
Is it wrong to hope for SIDS? (Fuck you, it's my fuckin' baby!)
Then the doctor calls me in.
"Mr. Lynch, she has a... twin."

Damn, that's a good-lookin' baby!
One for two on the good-lookin' babies!
I almost start to weep.
Now, this one we can keep,
Cause that was an ugly-ass...

Damn, that's a ugly baby! (C'mon, everybody, sing along!)
Damn, that's an ugly ba— (Sing, fuckers! Come on!)
Damn, that's an ugly baby! (Whoo!)
Damn, that's an ugly baby!

She's got one good tooth, and one ear, and one eye,
And, thank god, just one nose—but it's on her left thigh.
Now, doctor, I am asking you, guy to guy,
Would a really, really, really late-term abortion still fly?
Oh, no! (My baby!) Not me!
I don't want no ugly baby!
I said, damn, that's an ugly baby.
Damn, that's an ugly-ass baby.

Thank you! Goodnight!


Stephen Lynch is an American singer and comedian, famous for his raunchy comic lyrics. He was born July 28, 1971 in Abington, Pennsylvania, but grew up in Saginaw, Michigan and attended Western Michigan University, where he learned to play guitar. He is a Tony nominee for his role as Robbie Hart in the Broadway musical, The Wedding Singer. Stephen married Erin Dwight in September of 2003.

Lynch has produced eight albums:
Live At XM Studios (Live concert available only on the XM Comedy channel, no CD release planned) ... Read More